I have been involved with coffee since I was thirteen. Twelve if you count iced coffee, which you should!

I love coffee. It’s good in the morning to wake you up. It’s good in the afternoon to pick you up form a bad day and give you an excuse to take a short break. It’s a great reason to get out of the house and hang out. It’s a great thing to offer when you are planning on visiting someone and especially if they have done something nice but small for you (wine or hard liquor if they’ve done something nice and big).  Coffee can be the beginning, the end or the main act to a social gathering. I’ve never needed the fancy stuff. I’ve drank it black and I did go back. I’ve experimented with triple-triples, double-doubles, regulars, lattes, cappuccinos, espressos and then near the end regulars-with-milk. I have fond memories of my double-double days when a friend told me I could order a “gobble-gobble” and still get the right coffee.

Oh, the laughs we shared. Oh, the memories. Hungover mornings trying to reconstruct the events of last night or really stressful sleepless nights cramming and writing papers. Never mind the first year of parenting when you didn’t just need coffee but you actually believed you might not make it through the hour without it… Vacation mornings with those ancient machines in the Caribbean hotel lobbies. On at least one occasion we returned to a hotel because the coffee was so damned good! How about the good old cigarette with coffee? Or the delicious B52? Coffee as a meal replacement. Camping and drinking lake water 3-in-1 coffee packs that seem to taste better than anything else that has ever scalded your mouth. Oh and the wonderful laxative effect that got many a person unclogged and regular. Some people’s bowels are like coffee driven clockwork!

I sometimes had 3 or 4 big coffees a day.  Sometimes I would get really busy and forget all about my coffee and return to it hours later when it was too cold and unbearable for most, but not me. I could drink my coffee any which way. I really, really liked coffee. It was a part of me for so long that I couldn’t imagine life without it, nor did I want to. I have been through thick and thin with my coffee and it has always been there for me.

Healthy people (mostly, but not limited to my mother, naturopath and dentist) always told me I drank too much coffee. They had all these criticisms and so much advice. Don’t drink more than 1 a day, a cup of coffee is 250ml not 750ml like the Timmy’s large size, don’t drink it after 2pm, don’t drink it with cream, drink it organic, don’t add sugar, if you must add sugar make it brown, don’t do it when you’re menstruating, brush your teeth right after… Geeeeeez, was all that ever annoying.

Then I got a really bad case of strep throat. I was so sick I couldn’t make it out of bed by myself without falling over, which made peeing super awkward for a few days… I lost 10 pounds in less than 5 days because I couldn’t eat or drink (gained it all back with a visit to 3 family xmas parties, arghh). When I finally went back to work after 4 days of being deathly ill, I didn’t make my morning coffee shop stop for lack of energy to do anything other than the bare necessities (ie. get dressed and press some pedals). I skipped my coffee entirely that day. And the next. On the third day a coworker surprised me with a coffee. And I was thrilled! I wasn’t trying to quit, I just didn’t have the capacity to get or make myself coffee.

When driving home that day I felt anxious. Which wasn’t weird for me. For as long as I can remember, I have been a highly anxious person. I am never calm. I have always felt enormous stress and pressure looming over my head. I used to work full time and squeeze my undergrad in part time while also being constrained by parenting responsibilities and the ridiculous hours of child care. I thought all of my anxieties would dissipate when I got my degree. Except they didn’t. I used to stress about deadlines, time for reading, making up missed work and constantly being late. I never knew where I was going because every day had a different schedule and I was often expected in 10 different places on any given day with not enough time in between. Now (after graduating) I remained constantly stressed but without any reasonable explanation as to why! So I resolved to thinking I was just a naturally anxious person. What was weird for me that day, was that I felt anxious for the first time in those three days. Coincidence? I think not. I made a mental note. When I went to bed that night I awoke several times, which again is not by any means out of the ordinary for me. I have long ago self-diagnosed myself as suffering from insomnia (thank you web-md and first year psychology class). I can’t fall asleep easily and I wake up several times a night with full scale panic about absolutely nothing and then I have difficulty falling back asleep because my heart and mind are in a god-damned race with each other. No wonder I need so much coffee! Except I realized, that was the first night in those three days that I didn’t sleep right through. I told my mom. She said I’ve been telling you for 10 year! (Side note: my mom drinks 1/2 cup of organic black coffee a day for health and antioxidant benefits but she’s not an anxious, sleep-deprived, jumpy avalanche like me.)

I’ve heard claims that coffee is bad for heart health, digestion, hydration, nervous system, weight, sleep, anxiety and the list goes on. I thought those people were hyper-sensitive whiners. If I drink a coffee at 2pm how could it affect what I am doing at 1am? Nonsense. People and their scapegoats. I prefer those claims of great health benefits in coffee.

But I decided that it was worth a shot to see if this really was happening or some sort of fluke. No coffee for the next few days. No anxiety and great uninterrupted sleep!  UNINTERRUPTED! I used to sleep with a remote in my hand so that when I woke up every hour in a state of blinding panic I could turn the tv on and ignore the thoughts in my head by listening to the tv. A minor but important details is that I used to wake up at 7am, have a bunch of coffee and go to sleep at 2am and repeat the next day. Over and over for over a decade (before nearing my twenties there were even those all-nighters, but who the hell can do that anymore?). When I stopped drinking a bunch of coffee I couldn’t keep my eyes open past 11pm if my life depended on it. I fell asleep during movies, in cars, with friends over, while working, mid-meal and even once mid-conversation. A few of those early days I had to nap in the office lunch room. This is a real phenomenon. Turns out that your body needs either sleep or coffee. So if you give up one you can expect to really need the other. After about a week of no coffee whatsoever, I had serious cravings for coffee, sugar and fat (I mean cream). I went the decaf route. Same freaking effect just not as strong! Mild anxiety and mild sleeplessness. Crap on a noodle!

It took over a week for the mid-day narcolepsy to pass, but it did. Now my energy levels have flat-lined. I am no longer riding the waves between brutally exhausted and anxiously hyper, I am just mellow and I’m guessing what must be considered “normal”. Needless to say I am now an avid tea drinker. I don’t actually like tea. I never have, but I am trying to force it. It’s better than just plain hot water but it definitely can’t hit the same spot that a double double can. Oh well, I learned to like pineapples and raw fish, I will conquer tea next.

Summary of the unexpected side effects I have discovered as a result of this separation from coffee:

1. I need to sleep 7-8 hours a night and sometimes a half hour at lunch.
2. Not drinking coffee has not made me lose a pound.
3. If you do not consume a 180-calorie coffee in the morning you will need breakfast.
4. Because I no longer stop for coffee I am always early for work which in turn reduces stress when commuting.  It turns out that left lane blockers aren’t nearly as annoying when you aren’t late (still annoying just not wildly infuriating).
5. Coffee is not like cigarettes, it still smells amazing after you quit.
6. Thinking you can get away with a coffee at 8am does not work. It will get you later.
7. I am actually a happy, relaxed person, contrary to what I and the world has known for 15 years.
8. Decaf coffee is an asshole.
9. Headaches are the result of hangovers not coffee withdrawal.
10. If you drink all night you need coffee the next day. No matter what.
11. When I inevitably cheat on tea, I regret it, but only if I have to work the next day. Fact: I can only drink coffee on weekends.
12. The caffeine in coffee is not the same as it is in tea or chocolate. I drink a green tea every morning and I am fine. I switch this up with even a decaf coffee and I’m a train wreck ready to explode by 4pm en-route home. Same goes for chocolate, even 70% cocoa…
13. Turns out children aren’t annoying either, it’s the irritability caused by coffee that creates this illusion.
14. Home made tea is the same crap as you could get in a cafe, this is NOT the case with coffee so I’ve saved at least $50-100 a month, half of which have promptly gone to my new loose leaf tea obsession.
15. I am reserving coffee relapses for camping and vacations when sleep comes easily and sometimes forcefully through alcohol induced comas.

I’m not saying quit coffee, I’m not even saying cut back. I’m just saying I wasn’t actually a bitch all these years – I was high on coffee!