Why unemployment is sometimes a population problem not an economy problem.
I have recently had the pleasure of reading 800 resumes to hire an employee for an admin assistant position. It does not offer great hours, benefits or pay. What it does offer is paid employment and job experience along with the potential for advancing within a small company, networking and at the very least a reference for when you move on to the next job. If you are looking for work in the near future here are some very basic tips that I jotted down for personal reference to read over when (hopefully never) it is my turn on the other side of the resume game.
Now I do not mean to offend you if you partake in any of these practices, just enlighten you as to why you may be getting very few, if any calls back.
1. Do not use your ***sexii@***.com account. Unless of course you are applying for a job as a stripper, adult movie star or maybe underwear model. The rest of potential employers do not need to know if you think you’re hot, which by the way is subjective… No one needs to know your year of birth either. Keep that to yourself!
2. Do not list all 12 jobs you have had in the last 4 years. This does not tell me that you are multi-faceted. It tells me you are unstable, intolerable or steal.
3. Do not tell me you have a High School “Deploma”. I do not believe you. “Graduated Grade 11” is not any better. Just leave that out entirely.
4. As always, check your grammar and spelling! If “i” can’t read what u wrote because “i” can’t tell where what ends and what begins “your” not getting an interview. Jeez, what if you talk like that too? Awkward interview…
5. Do not write “detail oriented” if your resume also randomly skips bullets, has 3 different fonts, 2 different font sizes and wildly inconsistent margins. I am detail oriented. You are not. Don’t be a poser. I will notice because I actually pay attention to detail.
6. If you are responding to a job post online (which is quite likely nowadays). Do not forget to attach your resume. I can not elaborate on this, as I have zero information about those candidates.
7. If you feel inclined to include a salary expectation make sure it is at least higher than minimum wage. Also if you do this, you realize you may be undercutting yourself? Probably not, if you can’t even research minimum wage.
8. “Almost Bilingual” What good is that to anyone? Ever? Just lie like the rest of us. I am not going to quiz you on your written or verbal skills. Alternatively, don’t list it if you couldn’t pass the pop quiz.
9. If you are “great at computer skills such as typing and keyboarding” you are in the wrong century. Use phrases such as “typing speed of 10 WPM”, which is what I assume your “keyboarding” speed is. This is how those of us from the 21st century communicate about typing.
10. Reread your resume. Twice. Then have two more people proof read it as well. Your English as a third language Aunt does not count. Give this document to a native English speaker. Preferably one who has a job. This will help you avoid embarrassments such as being referred to in someone’s blog or laughed at around the water cooler. (This never happened. We don’t have a water cooler.)
11. Turn off auto-correct, do not smoke anything and do not watch the cooking channel when writing your resume. This will help you avoid phrases such as the following from making it into your resume: “Able to vaporize and grasp new things quickly” or “Superior in marinating high standards in a fast-placed working environment”. True story. True story.
12. Do not tell me you are willing to stay “one hour free per shift”. This is illegal for me. Also what has happened to your self worth? This used to be called slavery and is now often referred to as “volunteering”. Ghhosh.
13. You are not demonstrating that you are indeed computer literate if you list “familiar with Internet Explorer”. We use Chrome and Firefox. Go home.
14. If you insist on having an “objective” section, cater it to the specific position you are applying for. Employers assume your objective is to get a job. Do not send out the identical resume with “find full-time work in the sales and marketing field” when my opening is for a part-time administrative assistant. I will assume you are either lazy or sent your resume to the wrong place. No interview. Let’s not even discuss “hobbies” sections. Don’t tell me you like horses, this is not a ranch.
15. DO NOT respond to my ad and say “Is this job still available?” or “I am interested in this position. Please let me know if you would like and I can send my resume”. Of course I want the resume. Otherwise why would I have put the ad out? Read above. 800 resumes in 1 month. 200 more were emails with either forgotten resumes or questions and no resumes. If you were me would you respond to each one? Read again. I am looking for an admin assistant. If I had enough time to respond to everyone’s questions I wouldn’t be needing an assistant.
16. Get voicemail. You’re a grown up.
17. If you have gotten called in, you are already far ahead of others. Do not ruin this advantage by sitting like we are buddies talking over a beer. Dress for the occasion, sit up and use adult words. Do not tell me about your last hangover and do not pull out your iPhone to get the reference contacts. Offer to email them or better yet come prepared with it already printed out in the event it is asked for. This makes you look organized and resourceful and not like you are giving me your golf buddy’s number as a reference.
18. Control your use of “like” and loud nervous giggles. It brings out the catty teenage girl in me who wants to set your hair on fire.
19. Although insignificant, do it in case an anal retentive individual is reading your resume. Name the document in a way that makes sense for filing and searching purposes and does not tell the reader that you are applying for every which position on a monthly basis. The difference between these two is seen in the following: Smith_John_Resume.docx vs. johnnys_admin_resume_good_sept.docx
20. Do not agree to the interview and not show up. Just call and cancel. In case whatever else you found falls through, I already considered you and it could still work out but if you stiffed without calling, NO.CHANCE.IN.HELL.
While I have steady work I sympathize with those that do not. However I can not help but question that at least some portion of the unemployed will remain there for reasons clearly ranted about above. If you can’t write one document well, you definitely can’t be trusted to put effort into anything past that, like keeping facebook poker viruses off the office desktop.
Now considering a new career. Fee structure below:
Resume Sample: $10.
Resume Review: $100.
Resume Rewrite: $500.
Public resume shaming: Priceless.
Life Coordinator ~ Anna 
You’re hilarious. I do just have to say as you are ranting about grammatical errors and spelling mistakes ‘gotten’ is not a word, I believe you meant to say if you have been called in.